Thursday, August 20, 2009

The frist note on my Journey

I am overwhelmed right now with the amount of prayers thoughts love etc. I am so blessed to have such a huge support group around me. Thank you to all of you.
I feel very lead to share some things with you and anyone who wants to hear me ramble (Lord knows it could go on and on) but… here it goes
When I was in Hawaii I had found a lump in my breast when I was in the shower, so I had shared this information with Jeff and he said you better get it checked when you get home. My words to him were “ok I will”! Those who know me well, know I am very forgetful. As the rest of our vacation went on, the last night I was making dinner and the knife slipped and cut my finger through a nerve and almost to the bone. Now I am not good with blood and no one was there with me except for my dear Kaila. The first words out of my mouth were “OH NO I think I cut my finger off.” As overwhelmed as she was she panicked around and said “What can I do”? I said hand me a towel, I am going to the front desk. Call Jeff (who was at the bbq’s already) and tell him to meet me there. Long story short I received 9 stitches in my finger that night. The Dr. told me in 2 weeks go to my doctor and get them out.
When we returned back to Modesto I called my doctor to make an appointment for my stitches to be taken out. They began to tell me they didn’t need to be in that long and to come in 5 days early. Now I am a huge rule follower and the Dr. in Maui said 14 days, I was a little nervous if the stitches came out too early my finger would fall apart open again.
So per my Dr. I went in 5 days early to get them out. While the nurse was checking me in I told the her that while in Hawaii I found a lump and wanted Dr. Boozer to look at it. She looked at me like I was crazy and said “I don’t know if he will see you because your visit was with the PA to have stitches removed and he is very busy”. I said “ok no biggie I can make another appointment.” 5 minutes later Dr. Boozer walked in the door and said I would like to look at the lump you are talking about. As he felt around he said he wasn’t too concerned about it because it wasn’t hard like a tumor BUT wasn’t soft like a cyst. But he said “just to play it safe I am going to send you to a surgeon who will look at it and do a needle biopsy just to be sure. So I left there confident in my doctors words and loved how thorough he was and thoughtful to come in to check me out. They made the appointment right there ASAP per Dr. Boozers request.
Jeff and I show up at the appointment with the surgeon Dr. Eve that day and I remember feeling very peaceful about the whole thing. Just a routine thing to do when you find something abnormal in your body. She felt around and told me that because I have implants this was easy to find because they push everything forward ( YEAH for fake boobies) She did a sonogram on it and had found 2 lumps. I don’t know much about sonograms but what she said was the radio waves are actually going through the lump which is fantastic news. She told me I had 2 options. One being a needle biopsy and 2 surgery to remove the lump. Number one sounded really good to me but she had told me that because I have implants the chance of the implants breaking was high because she would have to go deep enough to get a good sample. So with her encouragement and Jeff’s we decided that I go in and have it removed (Thank the Lord). This is where my journey begins…..
Of course someone telling you that you have to have surgery is not what you want to hear. With that said my mind went from, everything is going to be ok to oh my what if I die in surgery? I’m sure everyone that has had surgery has experienced the waves of emotion about being put under. I just kept telling the Lord that he is in control and whatever happens is in his plan.
Last Wed. 5 am came and off to the hospital we went. They checked me in and gave me a beautiful fashion gown to put on and told me they were going to put an IV in and start me on fluids. I had a great conversation with the nurse about our children and where we went to school and church. She poked me once…. Then twice… Then she said “oh no” I didn’t get it. UGH I hate needles too! Finally they get me all settled in and Jeff came in to be with me until they took me to the surgery room.
The 2 nurses come to get me and Jeff walks me to the door of the ice cold room and gives me a kiss. The Dr. tells Jeff it will only be 30 minutes so I will find you when I am done. The anesthesiologist comes in to talk to me and asks if I have any allergies or side effects to medicine. I must have told her 5 times in a row that I throw up A LOT! She laughed and said I will give you plenty of anti nausea meds to help. They wheel me in and the nurses begin to tell me that the State is there doing there inspections of the hospital to make sure everything they are doing is up to code! In my mind I am jumping for joy because that means everything is really clean and really serious!!! They put me up on a table that I never thought my rear end would fit on and off in lala land I went.
In the mean time Dr. Eve came out and told Jeff everything went well. That the tumor looked smooth and round and there wasn’t anything to worry about but we would wait for the results to come back next week.
I woke up feeling really good (never in my life has happened) and ready to go home. By 9:45 I was in my bed resting well. My recovering went well; the only thing I experienced was soreness.
My appointment for results was the next week on Thursday. I had told Jeff that based on what the doctor said after my surgery I don’t think it is really important for him to go. He said ok call me when you get home.
Wednesday night Jeff was really uneasy and said I am going to cancel some things at the office and go with you to your appointment. I said ok but really it’s no big deal.
Yesterday Jeff and I showed up to see Dr. Eve for my follow up appointment. She walked in and asked how I was feeling and I told her great except I am still really sore. She took all of my bandages off and the scar looked fantastic (she was very proud of it as well). She sat down on the stool and said words no one wants to hear. “ I have really bad news your lump came back and you have breast cancer”. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jeff’s head drop into his chest and at the same time I am trying to hold it together long enough to hear the words she is saying as tears are streaming down my face. She began to tell me that when the tumor came out it looked as though it was a benign fibroid blah blah blah (that’s what I heard hahah) but the results came back cancer. She said she went over and over the reports making sure that they were mine and they were. She said that I would definitely need more surgery but the first step would be a mammogram and an MRI of the breast. After the results come back I would meet with her and we would get an oncologist appointment. She gave me whole lot of information I am not so sure I heard. My hears heard breast cancer, oncologist, MRI, mammogram, lumpectomy ,mastectomy, Dr. Enevoldsen (to which my ears perked up) if she needed him and blah blah blah blah. What I did hear her say is “one thing you have to remember since you found it early the survival rate is high” and that she now wants to go have a bowl of ice cream! hahaha all women think alike. She also told me that today we would be in shock! Wow was she right that was an understatement.
Jeff and I walked out of the office extremely quiet and I turned to Jeff and said “ I will not miss the houseboat so they better make the appointments for before or after” hahaha. We got in the car and off to drop Jeff at the office. As I pulled up to drop him off his eyes welted in tears looking at me. I began to tell him that everything will be ok and we will pull through this together. He told me he knows but it is still hard to hear. As the day went on it started sinking in as to what I heard that morning. I began to think about the chain of events that led to this and began praising the Lord first my stitches that led me to the doctor, then Dr. Boozer making it a priority, Dr. Eve wanting to get it out, Jeff cancelling his day to come with me and on and on and on. I found myself feel a peace over me that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Now don’t get me wrong I was still crying! The amount of emails, calls, facebooks, twitters with people praying and expressing how much I mean to them made me ball like a baby and at times feel uncomfortable (gushiness makes me nervous but also feels good at the same time). Through the rest of the day I felt peace with the whole thing. Now my job was to pray and ask the Lord to show Jeff and the girls that peace too. We had company that night which took the focus off of me (thank the Lord) and onto other things.
When our friends left Jeff and I decided that we sit our kiddos down and let them know what was happening. We made the decision to be very honest and straight forward with them as we knew they were going to hear certain terms and words over time (such a faith builder). We sat them down and told them that mommy had cancer in her boobie and that I would have to have more surgery. We used the example of my melanoma and that made them understand a little easier. Madison started to cry and said that word scared her. Halle started to cry and said what if your surgery doesn’t get it all and you die? London just looked confused and really didn’t know what to say or do so she went off of the older girls. After lots of talking and questions and praying they were very peaceful and fell asleep. After that Jeff and I were able to sit down and talk about the whole situation which was a very nice evening ending in emotional exhaustion we both fell asleep.
Today is a new day! A day that the Lord has made for ME. A day of peace, understanding and excitement. All of those things because, I have the Lord on my side. I woke up so refreshed and excited about this new adventure I am about to encounter. This thing called a trial isn’t about ME! It is about the trust and obedience I have in the Lord. It is about glorifying him in all I say and do.
I decided this morning with the Lords help that this “trial” is not a secret; it is not on the down low. It is out there and talked about because I am and will be a witness for him. I am going to encounter many people, physicians etc. and if that is my chance to glorify Him then I will.
My point in writing this to you and giving you all the details is because I want all of you to go on this adventure with me. Not being afraid of what might happen but being excited about what will come about in the long run. I want all of you involved with me, inspired with what the Lord is doing and willing to go out of your comfort zones. This may sound so weird to some of you but I love trials, I love facing things that 100 percent I have to rely on the Lord because HE is the only one that will get me through. My relationship with him grows so much in these times and if there is anything I want more it is that your relationship with him grows too whether you have known him for years or you don’t know him at all (if that’s the case we need to talk). Now please don’t get me wrong I am human there will be times I am scared or times I will cry but it is not because I don’t trust my God! I am strong because the Lord has made me this way and I am a fighter because the Lord has made me this way! ALL things happen for a reason and a purpose. I don’t know what that is yet but won’t it be fun at the end to find out? Come with me and we will do this together.
I love you all so much and am blessed to have such a great support system around me. I will keep you posted on the details of everything feelings up or down. So buckle your seatbelt because this is going to be a great adventure
Love to you all

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