I can hardly believe it has been two years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I have to go to the doctor every 6 months for a blood test and check up to make sure everything is ok. Today was that check up.
When I was originally diagnosed I remember the feeling of sickness that settled into my stomach when I heard those awful words "you have cancer". I remember letting satan get a foothold for a moment and then realizing that the only one that will get me through is the Lord. I remember the Lord turning things around in my thinking and in my heart and knowing and believing that He was going to heal me. I can remember telling the Lord that I always wanted to remember this time and I needed Him to help me to remember the faith and trust I put in Him and how easy it was to give my health up to Him. Going through that time of cancer, chemo, needles, hair loss, sickness and all of the emotional stuff that goes with it, I always want to remember how He had me "handle" things. Handle things with trust and faith He used to whisper to me, handle things on your knees He used to whisper to me. Be honest with people know matter how you feel He would tell me. Be open with your experiences he would tell me. Believe Me He would say loudly, My plans are not to harm you but to prosper you He would tell me. All of the things he would whisper and all of the things He would say loudly so I could hear. These moments I stand in awe of my Jesus! These moments with Him I treasure more than anything. These moments make me closer and closer to the One true God and help me understand who I am IN Him!!!!!!
Fast forward to today........
As I woke up today not a thought in my mind that I had to go to this appointment. In fact I fully forgot about it. As we were driving to UCSF I felt nothing until we turned the corner and I saw the hospital..... Emotions came upon me from nowhere. I wasn't even thinking about it and BAM all the what ifs raced through my mind. What if its back, what if the Dr. tells me I have to start something else, What if what if what if. I asked Jeff what he thinks about emotion? Why does he suppose it comes and goes depending on where you are at the time and how you will handle such things? He really didn't know how to answer me all he could do was listen to my thoughts. How can you never think about something and all of a sudden the fear takes over and that is all you think about? How can you be 2 years removed from something and the same feelings come over you as if it was the first day. How can your life flash before you in a matter of seconds when it wasn't even a thought in your mind. All of these things raced through my mind as we drove by. As I walked into UCSF I walked in with the vision of being bald and weak and sick. I looked around and that is all you see there. People trying to beat this disease, people trying to put one foot in front of another just to survive for their families. I walk into oncology and the looks that come from the people waiting in the waiting room are usually the same (I know because I used to be there feeling sorry for each woman as she came in). No one there knows where I'm at, no one knows if I'm at the end or just the beginning.
So I go through the routine of checking in and they call me back. As I am sitting on the table waiting for my oncologist to come in I just happen to look over and see my reflection in the mirror. I can't help but smile. The thought of who I felt was walking into the hospital, bald, weak and sick was just a thought because my reflection in the mirror today was one of healing, strength and hair!!!! How quickly I forget where I came from and where I am today. The Lord has to constantly remind me that I am who I am because of Him!
My Oncologist comes in and does his exam and looks at me and says you look great! Sends me for a blood test and says see you in 6 months. I think in the mind of a survivor I can get caught up in the when will it return but really what I need to get caught up in is HOW am I going to live as if it were never going to return. Living a true life fearless and faith filled!!!!
Thank you Lord Jesus that you gave me the emotion today, but that you didn't let me live there long, you reminded me of who you have made me and what I am here for. You made me realize that all of the whispers you whispered to me during cancer you are still whispering to me on a daily basis. Sometimes I need to be reminded of who my God is. That He has come to save each and everyone of us from ourselves and to trust in Him the one and only Jesus.
I know I haven't written for sometime and a lot of people ask why. I think partly it's because I really don't have much to report and I don't just want to write to babble. But today the Lord encouraged me to write on emotion because it is such a crazy thing and no matter where you are in life or what you are dealing with everyone can relate to this in some sort of way.
I hope everyone has a great week