Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I'm Done! With Chemotherapy That Is....

First of all before I go into any stories to be told I have to thank ALL of you, family, friends, acquaintances and strangers for all of the prayers and support I have had through this Journey of mine with the Lord and with breast cancer. It has been amazing to see how people come together and surround someone who is hurting with so much love and kindness. I am humbled to be on the receiving end.
Today December 22, 2009 marked one of the most emotional days of my life. Aside from meeting Jeff and marrying him to having 3 beautiful children. Oh and one more thing, hearing those awful words you have breast cancer. Here is how the story goes....
Yesterday Jeff and I were able to go to the city to enjoy the Christmas season and just spend quality time together. We had no agenda, nothing to be done just him and I. I treasure those sweet times I get with him. We woke up this morning and had a nice breakfast, packed up our things and headed to the hospital were I was going for my last treatment. Now in my mind I would be really nervous and anxious to go only because this last one has been a bittersweet ending for me as I explained in my last letter. I headed in where I needed to give blood and the lab was packed. I looked at my watch and noticed I was to be sitting in the oncologists office in 5 minutes. UGH!!! I hurried out up the elevator to make it in the waiting room just in time to be called back. Jeff and I sat in the room as I jotted down as many questions as I could knowing that I wouldn't be back for a while. Dr. Moasser walks in and says the words EVERYONE (that has had chemo)wants to hear. With a big smile he says "Well your done. How do you feel?" My stomach sank and with a big smile I said "GREAT, YEAH!" Now 35 year olds normally don't say YEAH to their doctors but I wasn't leaving that one out. We ventured upstairs where I would get hooked up and anticipated being there for a good 4 hours. There was hardly anyone in there and I got in right away to be hooked up in no time. There was a sad feeling at first because there has been a lady that has been on my heart from my very first treatment and I have been praying for and she wasn't there. Now in all past treatments she had always been there before me. I had a little something to give her and I so badly didn't want to miss her. A few minutes had past and up walked Christine. I was able to let her know I am praying for her, handed her the gift and off she went. Christine if you are reading this I want you to know that the Lord has placed you on my heart and I will continually be praying for you! Keep your head up and your hopes high you will get through this.
After about 3 hours my beeper went off and it was time to go. I told Jeff go get the car and pull up front lets get out of here. Just then my phone beeped and on my facebook was a comment from my friend Mary that said "your done! Just think, the conversation on the way home will be so different". I lost it! Sitting in the infusion chair all I could do was tell myself , PULL IT TOGETHER!!! You still have to walk out of here. I did pull it together and off I went to the next room to wish Christine a Merry Christmas and goodbye. I did not make it to the elevator and was crying again I told myself PULL IT TOGETHER your not out yet. I walked outside where my sweet hub was waiting for me and got in the car to just break down. For two completely opposite reasons. One for being done and two for leaving behind all of the faces that have become fellow fighters of cancer. I felt something in my heart that I will forever remember and that is the compassion I felt more for these people than myself being done! Our drive home was very different. I never once looked at Jeff and said just think only 3 more or 2 more or 1 more I said we are done! I cried most of the way home just thinking about what the Lord has done in my life because of this. There are people that I would have never crossed paths with had I not gone through this. Most importantly the hope I have in the Lord has become so real to me. A way that hope has never been presented or felt ever in my 15 years of knowing him. Just trusting Him through each step of this process and watching Him turn my plans into His even when I didn't want Him to, now all makes sense. Now going through it there were many times that I said "Oh no Lord not that way, I want it this way". I wanted to protect everyone I knew especially my husband, children and family from what was to come, hearing the news to surgeries and any other bad news that "I" didn't think they could handle. The Lord had other plans. His plan was to be very honest with everyone so that they could grow with Him and with me through this entire Journey. I was at a point in my life when I had zero compassion for anyone. Yes I was a christian and yes I walked as if I did but in my heart the compassion for people was gone. The Lord has completely changed that and my heart overflows with compassion towards people. Thank you Lord Jesus for who you have made me through this. Thank you for preparing me in so many ways ahead of time for what was to come when I didn't even know it. Thank you for all of the people you brought to me when I desperately needed them. Thank you that you chose ME to do this. I wouldn't change it for the world and would go through it again for you and what you have taught me.
As I sit 3 days before Christmas I am humbled in so many ways. I am grateful in so many ways. I know that in the next 5 days I am not going to be feeling so well. BUT I am going to celebrate my Jesus birth like I have never celebrated Him in years past. I want to challenge all of you to do the same. Maybe you have gone through hard times like me and needed to be changed from the inside out and maybe you haven't. This is a time to rejoice that a Savior was born to save us from our sins and be the hope that one day we won't have to endure things like sickness, death and sadness. We will be with Him in heaven for eternity where there is NO sickness, No death and no sadness. All things happen for a reason friends and it is Him that will get us through.
As I could go on and on and on I better close for now. I'm sure I will have some after affects of chemo and hair growing back stories for you but for now I will close with this.
I wish you all A very Merry Christmas and hold your families very close to you!
I love you all

Friday, December 18, 2009

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
This is a scripture that has been ever so present in my Journey with the Lord and breast cancer. Its starts out with the beginning of the process " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." Then it moves into what he will do with my journey (and yours) "plans to PROSPER you". Then it moves on to my favorite and end of my journey but yet the beginning "plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.
I am about to have my very last cycle of chemotherapy in 4 days. Can I get an AMEN, Hallelujah and Praise the Lord? As I feel like I should sit here and say " this lasted forever", all I can say is WOW I am almost done and where did the time go? There is so much that is overflowing in my heart that I want to say but I feel so overloaded I don't know where to start. First I want to thank everyone for all they have done for me. Praying, bringing meals, sending cards, telling me encouraging stories and so much more. Each and every one of them have come at a perfect time.

This has definitely been a whirl wind of an experience that I have had the privilege of going through for the Lord. There have been highs and lows through it all, but nearing the end I am proud to say I still feel honored that the Lord chose me. That he trusted me with this huge plan of His and trusted that I would hold steadfast to what He was calling me to do and still is. I know that the Lords plan for my future is just as important as it has been through the process if not more important.

The Lord has changed me so much through this journey and still is. That I am so grateful. He has given me eyes to see the people around me instead of just hurrying by. He has given me the compassion to stop and help people in time of need even if it by prayer or by presence. He has given me the ears to listen to people instead of thinking what will I do next and missing what they are saying. He has made me realize that loving and helping people is what it is all about. He has made me appreciate my family and friends MORE than I ever have before. He has made me realize that life is more than just appearance and "who" you are on the outside. Who you are are the inside is what reflects out on the outside no matter what you look like. He made me realize that ALL of the days and minutes I have gone through this journey mattered. All of the crazy things I had to do to help others get through this process and me as well. He taught me how to take my kiddos through this process being 100 percent honest with them and not leave a detail out! He put wonderful people before me at the hospitals, doctors offices, grocery stores, dentist office, school, salon, Starbucks and many other places. He gave me great scarves and hats so that I could get through each day feeling a bit normal ( haha I had to throw that in, but its true). Because I am going through this people have been able to feel comfortable around me to share things they never would have so that I can be praying for them. He has put complete strangers before me and instructed me to pray, as I have and I have watched Him go before me and prepare a place for them. He, Jesus is amazing. The list goes on and on and on.
As I anticipate this 4th treatment I am excited to go. I'm not excited for the side effects but I am excited to go. I think for me, each and every treatment has been so extremely different and has meant something different each time. As I have been anxious, nervous, sad, happy and everything else in the book, I can look at each one with thanksgiving and a grateful heart. There is definitely something very different with this one though than the last 3. A little bittersweet feeling has started to come over me. I have had the privilege of visiting a hospital with wonderful doctors and nurses and not seeing them on a regular basis will be a bit sad. But most of all, seeing the people sitting in those chairs all around me going through the same thing, being able to pray for them and see them week to week is coming to an end. Now I can still pray for them and I will, but there is something about seeing them face to face and talking with them that I will miss.
My last treatment is December 22. At first I was really nervous as the 3rd day after I am at my worst. I try to look at it through the Lords eyes (as best as I can understand). Christmas day is a day to be with family and to reflect on the birth of Jesus. This day was meant to REST in Him who brought His Son to earth for us. It is a time of remembering that and a time of teaching our children that resting in Him is good. So as I approach this Christmas it will be one I will never forget nor will I want to. It will be a great teaching opportunity for my girls to be patient and snuggle and rest with their mommy as I endure one last treatment. Praise Jesus.
I hope that this letter, email, blog, facebook finds you at a time where you can stop and do the same thing. I surely have a new appreciation for my FAMILY, TIME and most of all JESUS. Know matter what the circumstance this letter finds you in, one is not greater than the other they are all trials. What does make it different is how you handle it. I pray each and every one that is reading this will STOP and enjoy the moments you have here on this earth they are only a blink of an eye compared to an eternity in heaven.
Blessings to you all and have a Merry Christmas