First of all before I go into any stories to be told I have to thank ALL of you, family, friends, acquaintances and strangers for all of the prayers and support I have had through this Journey of mine with the Lord and with breast cancer. It has been amazing to see how people come together and surround someone who is hurting with so much love and kindness. I am humbled to be on the receiving end.
Today December 22, 2009 marked one of the most emotional days of my life. Aside from meeting Jeff and marrying him to having 3 beautiful children. Oh and one more thing, hearing those awful words you have breast cancer. Here is how the story goes....
Yesterday Jeff and I were able to go to the city to enjoy the Christmas season and just spend quality time together. We had no agenda, nothing to be done just him and I. I treasure those sweet times I get with him. We woke up this morning and had a nice breakfast, packed up our things and headed to the hospital were I was going for my last treatment. Now in my mind I would be really nervous and anxious to go only because this last one has been a bittersweet ending for me as I explained in my last letter. I headed in where I needed to give blood and the lab was packed. I looked at my watch and noticed I was to be sitting in the oncologists office in 5 minutes. UGH!!! I hurried out up the elevator to make it in the waiting room just in time to be called back. Jeff and I sat in the room as I jotted down as many questions as I could knowing that I wouldn't be back for a while. Dr. Moasser walks in and says the words EVERYONE (that has had chemo)wants to hear. With a big smile he says "Well your done. How do you feel?" My stomach sank and with a big smile I said "GREAT, YEAH!" Now 35 year olds normally don't say YEAH to their doctors but I wasn't leaving that one out. We ventured upstairs where I would get hooked up and anticipated being there for a good 4 hours. There was hardly anyone in there and I got in right away to be hooked up in no time. There was a sad feeling at first because there has been a lady that has been on my heart from my very first treatment and I have been praying for and she wasn't there. Now in all past treatments she had always been there before me. I had a little something to give her and I so badly didn't want to miss her. A few minutes had past and up walked Christine. I was able to let her know I am praying for her, handed her the gift and off she went. Christine if you are reading this I want you to know that the Lord has placed you on my heart and I will continually be praying for you! Keep your head up and your hopes high you will get through this.
After about 3 hours my beeper went off and it was time to go. I told Jeff go get the car and pull up front lets get out of here. Just then my phone beeped and on my facebook was a comment from my friend Mary that said "your done! Just think, the conversation on the way home will be so different". I lost it! Sitting in the infusion chair all I could do was tell myself , PULL IT TOGETHER!!! You still have to walk out of here. I did pull it together and off I went to the next room to wish Christine a Merry Christmas and goodbye. I did not make it to the elevator and was crying again I told myself PULL IT TOGETHER your not out yet. I walked outside where my sweet hub was waiting for me and got in the car to just break down. For two completely opposite reasons. One for being done and two for leaving behind all of the faces that have become fellow fighters of cancer. I felt something in my heart that I will forever remember and that is the compassion I felt more for these people than myself being done! Our drive home was very different. I never once looked at Jeff and said just think only 3 more or 2 more or 1 more I said we are done! I cried most of the way home just thinking about what the Lord has done in my life because of this. There are people that I would have never crossed paths with had I not gone through this. Most importantly the hope I have in the Lord has become so real to me. A way that hope has never been presented or felt ever in my 15 years of knowing him. Just trusting Him through each step of this process and watching Him turn my plans into His even when I didn't want Him to, now all makes sense. Now going through it there were many times that I said "Oh no Lord not that way, I want it this way". I wanted to protect everyone I knew especially my husband, children and family from what was to come, hearing the news to surgeries and any other bad news that "I" didn't think they could handle. The Lord had other plans. His plan was to be very honest with everyone so that they could grow with Him and with me through this entire Journey. I was at a point in my life when I had zero compassion for anyone. Yes I was a christian and yes I walked as if I did but in my heart the compassion for people was gone. The Lord has completely changed that and my heart overflows with compassion towards people. Thank you Lord Jesus for who you have made me through this. Thank you for preparing me in so many ways ahead of time for what was to come when I didn't even know it. Thank you for all of the people you brought to me when I desperately needed them. Thank you that you chose ME to do this. I wouldn't change it for the world and would go through it again for you and what you have taught me.
As I sit 3 days before Christmas I am humbled in so many ways. I am grateful in so many ways. I know that in the next 5 days I am not going to be feeling so well. BUT I am going to celebrate my Jesus birth like I have never celebrated Him in years past. I want to challenge all of you to do the same. Maybe you have gone through hard times like me and needed to be changed from the inside out and maybe you haven't. This is a time to rejoice that a Savior was born to save us from our sins and be the hope that one day we won't have to endure things like sickness, death and sadness. We will be with Him in heaven for eternity where there is NO sickness, No death and no sadness. All things happen for a reason friends and it is Him that will get us through.
As I could go on and on and on I better close for now. I'm sure I will have some after affects of chemo and hair growing back stories for you but for now I will close with this.
I wish you all A very Merry Christmas and hold your families very close to you!
I love you all