Thursday night as you all read was an amazing night with all of my girlfriends. We had such a great time of prayer and get together the night before Jeff and I left for San Francisco once again.
As Jeff and I woke up Friday morning to get ready for chemo teach there was a heaviness among us. It wasn't a loss of hope or a non trusting heart, it was just a heaviness of what was to come of the day. We knew we would get a lot of information that day and would we really be able to process it. As I was putting makeup on my very swollen eyes from crying so much the night before (haha) the thoughts of what was to come was forever playing in my mind. Was this really real? Are we really in this position? How are we really going to handle this? and much more...
As we got into the car it was very quiet and Jeff continued to ask if I was OK. I kept telling him yes just a lot on my mind. I really can't even put into words the way I was feeling. Jeff prayed and off we went. We arrived at UCSF to meet with Dr. Moasser's (my oncologist) nurse to go over what was to come in the next couple of months. I felt very comfortable with her and felt as if I had known her for years. She started to go over all of the details with me on what medications I would need to pick up from the pharmacy and what will help me with my nausea. After that she started reading off a list of side effects that I might get from the medication that he is giving me, now remember I had my mind set on so many things, and so many things have changed. First I was going to go in and tell the oncologist I didn't need hormone therapy and he came back and told me my test was high so not only will I need hormone therapy but I will need chemo. Next I wasn't going to loose my hair because I could do the 6 month. SURPRISE I have to do the 3 month and loose my hair. The next thing just on Thursday I was telling all the girls oh I really hope I don't lose my eyelashes because I'll tell you what if I have to loose my hair I need my eyelashes. Well number 1 on the side effect list is GUESS WHAT? Loose my eyelashes... I actually found great humor as I listened to her say this because I keep fighting the Lord with my idea of treatment and He keeps saying NOPE Heather you are going to do this my way! As she went on down the list the next thing said weight gain, swelling and bloating! Oh great now I have to loose my hair, my eyelashes and WHAT gain weight! I really started laughing because it is very humorous when we try and take over and the Lord puts a stop to it really quick! My point in telling you all of this, is just when we think we can control what our future holds or control our situation we are fooling ourselves. We just need to let it go and give it all up to Him. I seem to need to do this daily if not hourly. Especially after continueing on in this Journey I realized how much I did "try" to control certain things in my life because now that they are out of my control I mean REALLY out of my control It is so much easier to just give it up! Now all of the side effects she gave me might not even happen to me but they are forever going through my mind. She also began to tell me that every time I come for treatment I have to go give blood first, see Dr. Moasser and then go up to floor # 5 for infusion. Once I am up on floor #5 I will be there for approx. 4-5 hours. We completed our time with the nurse and she took us up front to schedule our next 4 visits. She told us we should go to floor #5 to make the infusion appointments and maybe walk around a bit and check it out. Now she had talked it up a bit before we left. Jeff and I got on the elevator and hit floor #5. As we walked out there was a sweet receptionist who helped us book our appointments and invited us to come on back and she would hook us up with the charge nurse who would give us a tour. Jeff and I walked in and my heart dropped into my stomach. There was something about it that at first I couldn't figure out. The smell of it was something I probably will never forget. There was a heaviness with all of the patients reclined in their chairs 6 sometimes 8 patients per room. No one had a smile on their faces, noone even really said a word. As I walked through my thought was "I really don't need to be here I am not sick". Again I had to remind myself why I had to be there. My husband, my children and my family and friends, but most of all The Lord! The Lord needs to be displayed here. Now some of them probably do know the Lord maybe all of them do, but there was a heaviness among that area that I noticed and something needs to be done about it! I told Jeff that if I have to be there he better make me laugh constantly. Even if he has to start making stuff up he better make me laugh. He told me that was a lot pressure and he would do his best. After walking around I told him we, him and I need to figure out ways to be an encouragement to others in there. Share with them, laugh with them, make them smile let them know there is hope even when we don't feel good and are sick.
So here is the deal. I still would love for you to pray for my family and I as we enter into a new phase of my journey but I also would like you to start praying another way to. There are a lot of hopeless people out there and I am one that has a lot of hope. I am getting chemo for reoccurance they may be getting chemo to prolong their lives a bit. I want to be a light for the Lord in a very sad and dark place. I am praying the Lord clearly shows me people that I need to share my journey with there or even just smile and talk with. I love to talk about Him and whenever I get a chance I will. But pray specifically that He will use me in great ways for His glory!
Thank you so much for your prayers and support. I am truely blessed by all of you.