Sundays have become a day of getting things done and getting ready for my week. As I love to be organized today seemed a little different.
You see Friday I was on the phone with my UCSF doctor and what I thought was going to be a conversation about the 6 month chemotherapy and no hair loss ended up exactly what I didn't want hear. The doctor told me he thought I misunderstood what he said about my treatment. He said he thinks I was in a little shock when he gave me the results of my oncotype test. That was an understatement! He began to tell me that we are very blessed to have the oncotype test because that test reveals to us what the chances of recurrence are. That I understood. He continued to tell me that because my score was 36 out of 50 I should be doing everything possible to prevent cancer from coming back. I still didn't understand what this has to do with my hair! He told me that every single percentage can mean life or death and recommended that I rethink my decision. He told me "you are a young mother of 3 small children and if I were you I would do everything possible to make sure you did what you could to stay around for them"! WOW again I was in shock.... I couldn't even grasp my breath on the phone but through it all I loudly told him OK OK I will do the 3 month chemo because my family means way more than my hair. I could tell he was very passionate about all of this while talking to him and when I finally gave him the OK I could hear relief in his voice. I got off the phone with him and just wept! What will I do without my hair? How will my kids handle this? Will they be embarrassed of me? Will they be teased because their mommy looks different than every other mommy? I sat there before the Lord weeping I asked him Lord is this about my hair? Is this about pride because I don't want to be bald? Why is this harder than being diagnosed with breast cancer? Will I be able to workout? Will I be sick all the time? All the questions I had for the Lord to get this answer... My sweet child Heather I formed you in your mothers womb, I have great plans for you as you battle this disease. You are my child I will be with you every step of the way and even one step further I will walk each one of your children through this, I will be by their side every step of the way. I will walk your husband through this, I will teach him how to care for you.
This brings me to today Sunday a day I received from my Lord. I had uninterrupted time with him studying the truth from his word. I was able to think back on the last couple of days and realize that hair means nothing. I was able to go over in my mind Jeff and I sitting down our kiddos once again to explain something new and different. As we told our kiddos Halle (6 yrs old) kept saying BUT mommy is doing the 6 month one the one that she won't lose her hair. After she realized that wasn't the plan, that the plan had change she ran to my room and wept, just as I had the day before. I was able to go in and hold her as we both wept in each others arms. Her concern was that chemo and baldness equals death. I also realized that I never would have experienced this with Halle had I not been going through this. The time of bonding, crying together holding one another as if there was no tomorrow. This was way worth losing my hair. As I reflected on my week and my bible study of John I realized again this is not about me! This is about My God, My Jesus, My Abba Father and I am a tool for Him to use for His glory! I know I have said this over and over but I believe the Lord has to remind me of this every day!
Today I was able to sit down and paint a canvas to which I love to do but never have the time to do it. As I looked at it and reflected what I was feeling as I painted it ( I always thought it was silly when artist say what they are feeling when they paint) I thought of the many colors that were present along with the dark spots around it. In the middle was a bunch of white. I felt like the chapters of my life story were reflected in this painting with the colors being the life, the dark areas being the dark spots in my life and the white circling all around all of those areas reflecting Jesus. He is with me always and He never leaves me. Thank you Lord Jesus for the time today to paint, it was a treasure.
As all of this has raced in and out of my mind I have not been able to get Amiee out of my head. I have never met her in fact I just found out about her just this week. She is a women much like me battling breast cancer with small children and a husband. But in her case she is trying to raise money for her treatment! I have been praying for her and her family and have been racking my brain trying to think of a way I can help her. I thought aside from financially helping her I would pass her information on to you so you can pray and help her as well. Her website is youcanhelpmymom.com.
Thank you so much for all of your continued prayers and encouraging words. I know the Lord has a plan and a purpose for me and my family and just because I am losing my hair doesn't mean my battle ends here. I will keep you posted on my treatment start date. Please be praying for my kiddos as they go through this with me and for my sweet hub and I as we will need wisdom in how to deal with them as well.
I couldn't imagine going through this without the Lord! Thank you Lord Jesus for choosing me!