Saturday, November 28, 2009

What Now

As I sit and reflect back to the last 4 months I am in awe of what the Lord has done. There are stories upon stories I will be able to tell my children, their children and on and on. As the positive things have occurred and I am so grateful for them, there has been a part of this journey that has been difficult. Not the faith part I feel I have that one down as good as I can on this earth. Not the trusting part I feel I can do that semi good. But the Whats next Lord. Where are we now? What could possibly happen now that everything has occurred. I mean I found out I have cancer, I await results of what type of surgery, I go into surgery have a bilateral mastectomy, have chemotherapy and lose my hair. Now what?
I think this part falls into patience and all that know me well know I am not very good at this. Everything that has occurred has occurred quickly. Now the waiting begins..... Wait for my last chemo, wait for my hair to come back, wait for a normal life again. Whats that? Whats a normal life? As I write this I am about to go through my 3rd cycle of chemotherapy treatment. I only have 2 left. But I find myself dragging my heels as it approaches. Now knowing what I and my family endures through each treatment makes me cringe. Knowing that I will be aching so bad I am moaning makes me crazy. Knowing that my kids see me cry when I hurt makes me sad. Watching my husband bounce from work to home trying to do his best with the personality he has been given makes me nervous. There is part of me that KNOWS for sure my Lord is in control of all of this but there is a small part of me that says when is enough enough? These are the normal thoughts of a person living in a world of sin and being human and having a battle going on in my head most of the time. A battle of fighting for the Lord. At times I become tired and at times I have strength only the Lord can give.
This time of year is amazing in a normal life for me. It is my favorite time of year because it is all about Jesus Christ, love and family and friends. It is about giving of yourself in ways you would never do on a regular basis (even though I should). It is a time when I can use my gifts and talents for the Lord. But something is different about this year. The gratefulness I have in my heart is overflowing. The love I feel for those around me is unspeakable. My heart aches for my family with love I can barely stand it. This year is different. It is not "normal" but yet my new "normal". Let me set up a picture for you to imagine. My life before all of this was great. I love the Lord, I have a husband who loves me in ways you could never imagine. I have been entrusted to raise 3 beautiful girls and I love them dearly. I have 2 sets of parents that love me and my family unconditionally. I live in an amazing house that I was able to design and make our own. Now imagine my life through the NOT so normal period of time. I love the Lord in ways I never thought I could, I know Him more intimately than I ever had before, I have to and want to rely on Him at all times because He is my life, I have a husband that has stood by me and loved me through the most changes a women could ever go through or endure on her body and yet he still is attracted towards me and loves me, I have children who I love so much and treasure each minute with them and hang on their every word, I have children who are much more compassionate for me and for people than they ever were before, I have 2 sets of parents who I love so much and am so grateful for them and they are so supportive of me it is unbelievable, I have supportive friends who help me and care for me as if I am their own family. I have new friends that I would have never known. I am living in a home that has become my safe haven with my family even when I am not feeling so safe. My life has changed dramatically!
I am so grateful for the changes because who I was before all of this and who I am now may seem to be the same minus the hair. But who I am inside and who the Lord is transforming me to be is totally different and I keep hearing Him whisper to me. "Just stay the course, just be patient with me, I am not done with you yet".
As we enter this time of year and I know there are different trials out there that so many are going through. We are all facing the same thing and that is the inside change the Lord is trying to make in all of this. So stay with me on it and stay the course, be patient, He is not done with us yet!
I love you all. Please be praying as I enter my 3rd cycle on Tuesday. Pray that my fatigue body gets strength to endure this cold and flu season. Pray that this treatment would be a piece of cake!
I hope everyone had as blessed Thanksgiving as I did and really reflected on how thankful we all are for what and who we have in our lives

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