Blessed

As I write this I am sitting in a tattoo shop watching my sweet hub get a tattoo of Christ’s crucified hands on his back. As I watch the pain he is going through getting this tattoo it has actually brought me back to Christ himself and what He had to go through all for US and our sin! WOW what a thought and image this has brought to me. Just the thought of Christ being beaten and crucified for me is amazing and not even comprehendible BUT I am so thankful that He did so that I could be saved and live with Him eternally forever!

It has been such a long time since I have written about anything going on with my health or even just life itself. I have so much to be thankful for and wanted to share a little with you. It has been one year since I was diagnosed with cancer and man has it gone by quickly. As weird as that is it really did fly by (now that I look back).

I have really been reflecting on the last year and as time has past I have found myself drifting a bit from spending a lot of time with my Jesus (sad I know). I spend time with him daily talking with him but actually diving into His word I have found myself finding “more important” things to do. It has been sad because my reliance on Him has diminished because I am in “good” times now. No more cancer, only have to be checked every 6 months, chemo every six months etc. As I have looked back over my entire life I have cherished my hard times! Why? Because those are the times that I fall on my face before Him and really listen to what He has for me and what He is teaching me. I always wonder why it takes me to have a “trial to do this”. I often wonder why it is so hard to listen when I am not hurting. Lord Jesus help me with this!

As I am sitting in this tattoo shop I have probably heard the “f” word 100 times and every other curse word in the book 500 times. I have sat and listened to the most evil music (because that is what this industry likes) but yet the people in here are so extremely nice and I really really enjoy talking with them and listening about their life stories. I realized today over the 10 plus hours I have been in here that sometimes this is comparable to my life. Even though it might be different and my sin is extremely different than theirs yet to Jesus it is still the same. He loves these guys just as much as He loves me and wants them to spend eternal life with Him. As I sit and learn and watch these guys I realize how blind they are to the truth but yet some of them talk about God as if they know Him. Sometimes I wonder if I give this portrayal to some? Lord Jesus help me to be a witness for you. I will talk openly about my Jesus to whoever wants to hear and so badly want them to listen but realize that they are so deaf to the truth and it is up to the Lord to intervene and do the work. I am yet a tool that He has provided for the moment.

One of the things I love about the Lord is He constantly puts things on my heart and mind and leads me to share them with you and I love that. As I write I feel the Lord teaches me so much about myself and how I can make things different and bring my Jesus glory!

We just got home from LA and another doctors appointment to go to. I had my 6 month check up with my surgeon yesterday and everything is great. She said keep doing what you are doing and I will see you in another 6 months. YEAH!!!! I do have my 6 month check up in October and have my chemo treatment for reoccurrence but other than that I am good!

I feel like I am in a season of life that is a season of blessing. As I look back I probably could say that each and every season is a blessing but there seems to be something extremely different about this time. During my journey of breast cancer I felt God more than I ever had in my life. I felt him near in comforting me and holding me through a part of my life that at times was very scary. This season I feel him doing all of those same things but yet in a way of taking me out of my little box and stretching me in ways I NEVER thought I could be stretched. During and after my treatments I started paying attention to people that were going through similar things and the Lord started giving me a heart of compassion for them. I wanted to do something. He reminded me of the gifts and talents He had blessed me with and how I could use them. I have always been an artist and have painted for years, but the Lord took me down a road as I went through depression and took my paintings to a new level. With that He told me that i needed to put myself out there and sell my paintings to raise money for people who are going through treatment and have had to quit there jobs and are struggling financially. I am in the process of getting a non-profit operating license. I have had many generous people offer to put my paintings in offices and my website is under construction. Right now I have several paintings up in Dr. Lars Enevoldsen’s office, Get Fit, Chartreuse Muse and in October will be in Streaks salon. The Lord has blessed me with so much and has entrusted me to be a light for him. Now if any of you know me well you know that I hate putting myself out there. That is just a fear that I have had as long as I remember and believe me the Lord is working and working on me and stretching and stretching me more and more.! I keep saying No and then I realize ok Lord I need to surrender my fears and give in to what you really want for my life. A couple of months later I received a phone call from my dear friend Mike. As he began talking the first words out of his mouth were “ I hope your not mad at me”. I thought to myself OH NO what did he do???? He began telling me about a winery that he had researched called cleavage creek. The owner and founders wife had died of breast cancer and he felt he needed to do something about it. So he donates 10 percent of his gross sales to breast cancer research. With that each one of their varieties holds a picture of a breast cancer survivor and their story is on their website. I was chosen out of 100 finalist as 1 of the four girls to represent their winery. WOW Lord Really??? ME???? Thats what was going through my mind and immediately the Lord reminded me that it is not about me it is about giving Him glory through this.

As I look at my life where I am today I stand in awe of my God. In awe at how he works all things for good in those who love Him. I can sit back and put pieces together and never in my life would I have put myself where I am today. I am so excited as well as nervous (in a good way) to see how He will use my paintings and this wine bottle to glorify Him. I can’t wait to give out my first check to a person in need and more importantly to form those relationships with people who are struggling through something that I can relate to.

Thank you all who have supported me and prayed for me in all I have been through and all I am about to walk through. Please continue to pray as I venture out into the world to help others struggling with this yucky disease. Pray that the Lords hand guides me exactly where He needs me to be and that He gives me wisdom in what I need to say and do. Thank you my sweet husband for supporting me and encouraging me to keep going even when I get overwhelmed. As I step out it faith again and again I begin to realize that no matter where I am so is my Jesus walking with me hand in hand. Thank you Lord Jesus for pushing me out of my comfort zone again and again.

Blessings to all of you

Heather

6 Month Check

It has been one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. WOW what can actually happen in one year boggles my mind. I normally think of a year as such a long time and now have come to realize it is but a blink of an eye. I reflect back all that my family friends and I have been through and am in awe at how the Lord put it all together. It started with the diagnosis then came the surgery, the treatment, losing my hair, last treatment ,hair growing back, depression, after treatment. All while being a wife, mother, daughter, friend and most important the Lords child and witness.

All I can say is WOW where did the time go????

We just returned from our family vacation in Hawaii where a year ago I had found my lump. I have to say this trip meant more to me than any other time. It was a time of relaxing and being with my family and cherishing every minute of it. I found myself at times reflecting back to last year and the chain of events that have occurred since then. I would let my mind wander into the details and just sit with them for a while. I have to say being on this side of cancer I enjoyed putting pieces together and was in awe how the Lord works. Realizing that His plan is so different than mine but thanking him for it. While we were there it became pretty comical because all of the workers thought that Jeff was remarried because of my short hair. They kept asking him if I was his wife. He would tell them yes and they would say "the mother of your children"? Long story short they heard about our year and my cancer and we all had a great laugh. We arrived home a couple of weeks ago. Reality always seems to hit right when you get home from a vacation. Your mind starts to wander and life and responsibility starts again. I looked at my schedule and realized that my UCSF appointment was coming. To bring you up to speed a bit, at my last appointment for my infusion Dr. Moasser wanted to give me a shot to put me into menopause. Because I didn't want any side effects on vacation I chose to wait until we got back. I also wanted to really pray about it. Just coming off of tamoxifen and being depressed from it scared me to death to even think about menopause at 35 years old.

Today Jeff and I headed to UCSF where we met with Dr. Moasser. The drive there I was pretty anxious only because I knew what I wanted out of this appointment and knew that I had really prayed about it but was nervous that Dr. Moasser would talk me out of it. Those Oncologists want to make sure they cross every T and dot every I. Which I appreciate so much BUT I feel like I have done what I need to do already. He came into the room, sat down and looked at me and said we are going to do the shots today right? I looked at him and said no I don't think I am. So he opened my charts and began to look at all of my tests. In the awkward quiet moment my sweet hub filled it with questions. (I love that man) So he asks the doctor what my reoccurrence percentage is with my mastectomy, chemo and Zometa infusion every six months for five years. The Dr. says, chemo is the biggie which was about 10%. Zometa infusion is medium about 4-5% and if you do the shots it will bring you down another 2%. In my mind I am thinking I am 35 and with all of the side effects of menopause it is not worth it to me. I don't want to live my life fighting all of the side effects that come with menopause. Just as all of this is running through my mind he looked at me and said OK. I thought to myself did he just say OK??? YYYYEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!! Thats what I said in my heart and mind. I asked him where I go from here? He said everything looks great. See me every six months for blood check and your zometa infusions and go on with your life. YYYYEEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!! Again.

I walked out of that hospital so extremely relieved and excited. I feel like besides having the rest of my reconstruction surgery and an infusion twice a year I am DONE!

WOW what a year this has been. I can look at it and really soak in myself but what I realize is none of this was about me. It was all about the Lord and growing me into who he wants me to be, and growing my family in a way they would have never been grown. I also have been able to meet some beautiful woman who have battled this or are battling this right now and am so extremely grateful for them and their journey's. The Lord has been able to use me in ways he would have never been able to had I not gone through this. I have been able to take my art and move to the next level and begin to sell it for woman who are going through treatment and are struggling financially. I could go on and on......

The Lord is amazing and as I end this I still go back to Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

I always end with a huge thank you to everyone that has been praying for me and all of the support you all have given me and my family. I wouldn't have gotten through it all with out you.... Please pray with me for the woman I have been talking with who are going through treatment, pray for their strength and wisdom to make the decisions I have had to make. Pray for my sweet friend Melanie (who I met in Funworks) She finished her treatment a couple of months ago and is regaining her strength and finishing school as she raises her four boys! I Thank the Lord for bringing these woman to me they truly have become very special, very quickly.

Thank you again for all of your support and prayers. Have a great summer

Love

Heater

Life after Cancer

Well it has been almost 4 months since I have written anything at all. Wow what a process this has been. Right now I am on an airplane flying to Arizona with my sweet hub on a much needed vacation for some rest and relaxation.

December 22nd was my last treatment and the very last time I have written about my journey at all. I have tried a couple of times to sit and write but each time I would write I would delete it and walk away. I figured I have said all that needed to be said and no one wants to hear anymore about ME. It is amazing what lies satan will continue to tell me to pull me away from what God really wants to do in my life as well as others lives. The interesting thing is I believed him....My journey continues

As most of you know my last treatment was December 22nd. This by far was the hardest treatment out of the four I had to do. The recovery process was longer and harder. It took a lot out of me both physically and emotionally. Three weeks after my treatment was over and I knew that I wouldn’t be returning for another treatment I was ready to feel good. I was ready to get back to normal life again, whatever that looked like. I was ready for my hair to grow back, to start exercising hard again and just plain physically recover from the beating my body had taken since August. Just when I thought things were going to get better they seemed to get worse. Little did I know that I had been running on pure adrenaline for the past 5 months. I felt like I had constant communication with my Jesus through this whole process and He would never let me down, and that He didn’t. Combining the physical burden on my body with the emotional burden of my family and I, I became super weak, super tired, just down right exhausted. As I want to write and tell you that since my treatment has been done I have been fantastic, I can’t. I think the physical healing is much quicker than the emotional healing. Some good friends had told me this with the experience of it himself but until you go through it you have no idea!

After a month went by my hair started to grow back and I lost the hat and the scarves and was ready to rock the bald. I love it. I could look at my kiddos and reassure them that mommy was done with treatment and that I would start looking normal again to them. I could tell everyone closest to me that with my Jesus I had beat this ugly thing called cancer and I can now call myself a survivor! I could get on my face before the Lord and thank Him for every part of the process from beginning to end. I did all of those things and then went into deep deep depression. I have never experienced depression before although I had been around it. I knew what to look for but I didn’t know how to fix it. I would cry out to the Lord asking Him to spare me from it because I wasn’t myself nor did I even care to be. For someone who can make a quick decision and run a household of 5 with 3 busy kiddos, I found myself not being able to do either. I went into this attitude of poor me and soaked in my sorrows for quite some time. I stopped being social and if I was it was very surfaced never deep. I had no energy for conversation and I really didn’t even care to take the time to have any, not even with those I loved the most. I felt like I couldn’t be a good mom because I couldn’t even make the slightest decision for discipline or even telling one of my girls what to wear. It was exhausting. My poor hub was constantly looking at me asking me what he could do to cheer me up or make me happy and all I could tell him was PRAY. I couldn’t even pray myself. I would sit quietly with the Lord and tell Him “you know my heart and you know what I want to say Lord, I don’t have any words”. I kept telling myself that I just need time to be still. I “deserved” to be quiet and depressed for a while, whatever that means. I started painting again and found it to be therapeutic. I am considering auctioning all of my paintings to help fund people who have financial difficulty during cancer treatment. I always love to see what the Lord does with things like this when I give it to Him! Because Lord knows I would never do this without Him (hahaha).

As time went on I told Jeff I needed to go back to my oncologist and talk to him about side effects of chemo and the new drug I was taking tamoxifen. Jeff and I went to UCSF a couple of weeks ago and Dr. Moasser took me off of the tamoxifen to see if this is what is causing swimmy head, joint pain and depression. He said he will take me off for one month to see if these things stop. If they do, then we can look into alternate treatments instead of tamoxifen. I will go see him again in 2 weeks.

It has been 2 weeks since I stopped my medication and I feel somewhat back to normal! I feel like the big black cloud has been lifted off my shoulders and feel like I can function a lot better. I am still swimmy in my head a bit, but don’t feel depressed at all. Praise Jesus!!!!

Jeff and I had planned this trip away before I even started my chemotherapy and now looking back it was the best thing we could have ever done. As I sit and miss my kiddos, this is something that was really needed to reenergize my soul, my body, my marriage and my time with Jesus.

This journey has been amazing from start to finish. Even during the hard times it has been amazing. The latter of the journey has been the hardest because I do think that emotional healing takes way longer than the physical healing. Each and every step of the way I have felt the Lord’s presence even when I didn’t think I could. As I continue to walk this journey of life here on earth I realize more and more after each trial that this life is here for one thing and one thing only. I was put here to show the love of Christ to others and to be a witness for my Jesus. Even when it gets hard, those are the times that my faith grows stronger and stronger and I hear the whisper in my ear “Be Still and know that I, AM”. I hear “Hang on my child, this life here is so short compared to what it will be in heaven with Me”. I need to continually remind myself of all of this day to day because when I step out of that role this life here on earth gets hard.

Over spring break Jeff and I took our kiddos to Fun works before we left on this trip. Jeff had left and it was my three girls and I in a very crowded place. I was chasing after London my youngest in hopes she would hurry up and use all of her tokens. Out of the clear blue London stopped in her tracks and just stared at this woman. As my eyes slowly looked up to see what she was looking at, right in front of me was this beautiful woman fully bald. London turned around to me and said really loud “MOMMY, she is bald like you”. I did everything in my power not to lose it in the middle of fun works. I said “ your right London that is what mommy looked like, but now my hair is growing back”. I continued to run after London and the Lord continued to pull at my heart to go talk to this woman. Finally I just walked up to her. I asked her if she was going thorough chemo. She began to tell me her story. Bit by bit and moment by moment this woman began to tell MY story! My cancer, My journey. All of our “physical” parts of the story were exactly the same. Except she had 2 more chemo treatments left. She had 4 boys and is 35 years old. I don’t know if she knew the Lord and I don’t know where she was spiritually, but I do know that if I hadn’t been through what I had been through I would have been the person in the place just staring at her wondering what was wrong. The Lord put me there that day to reassure her that she is almost done fighting this ugly thing called cancer and that she could look ahead and look at my hair and know what she will look like 3 months out and call herself a survivor! These times are the times I say THANK YOU JESUS! Thank you for humbling me before you and letting me have this trial and experience so that I can be a light for you and do hear on earth what I was born to do!

Thank you all for the continued prayer even as I have sat quietly for the past couple months. I have definitely felt the Lord working in my life as each day passes by and know in my heart Jeremiah 29:11. You all have been a huge blessing my life and the life of my family. I will keep you posted as my journey still continues. One thing I want to leave you with to ponder on is this....... Why are you here on this earth? What were you born for???? What is your goal as you wake up each and every day? Are you doing what you have been called to do without holding back? I know I have had to re ask myself all of these questions several times through this, thats why I ask you?

Love to you all

Heather

I'm Done! With Chemotherapy That Is....

First of all before I go into any stories to be told I have to thank ALL of you, family, friends, acquaintances and strangers for all of the prayers and support I have had through this Journey of mine with the Lord and with breast cancer. It has been amazing to see how people come together and surround someone who is hurting with so much love and kindness. I am humbled to be on the receiving end.
Today December 22, 2009 marked one of the most emotional days of my life. Aside from meeting Jeff and marrying him to having 3 beautiful children. Oh and one more thing, hearing those awful words you have breast cancer. Here is how the story goes....
Yesterday Jeff and I were able to go to the city to enjoy the Christmas season and just spend quality time together. We had no agenda, nothing to be done just him and I. I treasure those sweet times I get with him. We woke up this morning and had a nice breakfast, packed up our things and headed to the hospital were I was going for my last treatment. Now in my mind I would be really nervous and anxious to go only because this last one has been a bittersweet ending for me as I explained in my last letter. I headed in where I needed to give blood and the lab was packed. I looked at my watch and noticed I was to be sitting in the oncologists office in 5 minutes. UGH!!! I hurried out up the elevator to make it in the waiting room just in time to be called back. Jeff and I sat in the room as I jotted down as many questions as I could knowing that I wouldn't be back for a while. Dr. Moasser walks in and says the words EVERYONE (that has had chemo)wants to hear. With a big smile he says "Well your done. How do you feel?" My stomach sank and with a big smile I said "GREAT, YEAH!" Now 35 year olds normally don't say YEAH to their doctors but I wasn't leaving that one out. We ventured upstairs where I would get hooked up and anticipated being there for a good 4 hours. There was hardly anyone in there and I got in right away to be hooked up in no time. There was a sad feeling at first because there has been a lady that has been on my heart from my very first treatment and I have been praying for and she wasn't there. Now in all past treatments she had always been there before me. I had a little something to give her and I so badly didn't want to miss her. A few minutes had past and up walked Christine. I was able to let her know I am praying for her, handed her the gift and off she went. Christine if you are reading this I want you to know that the Lord has placed you on my heart and I will continually be praying for you! Keep your head up and your hopes high you will get through this.
After about 3 hours my beeper went off and it was time to go. I told Jeff go get the car and pull up front lets get out of here. Just then my phone beeped and on my facebook was a comment from my friend Mary that said "your done! Just think, the conversation on the way home will be so different". I lost it! Sitting in the infusion chair all I could do was tell myself , PULL IT TOGETHER!!! You still have to walk out of here. I did pull it together and off I went to the next room to wish Christine a Merry Christmas and goodbye. I did not make it to the elevator and was crying again I told myself PULL IT TOGETHER your not out yet. I walked outside where my sweet hub was waiting for me and got in the car to just break down. For two completely opposite reasons. One for being done and two for leaving behind all of the faces that have become fellow fighters of cancer. I felt something in my heart that I will forever remember and that is the compassion I felt more for these people than myself being done! Our drive home was very different. I never once looked at Jeff and said just think only 3 more or 2 more or 1 more I said we are done! I cried most of the way home just thinking about what the Lord has done in my life because of this. There are people that I would have never crossed paths with had I not gone through this. Most importantly the hope I have in the Lord has become so real to me. A way that hope has never been presented or felt ever in my 15 years of knowing him. Just trusting Him through each step of this process and watching Him turn my plans into His even when I didn't want Him to, now all makes sense. Now going through it there were many times that I said "Oh no Lord not that way, I want it this way". I wanted to protect everyone I knew especially my husband, children and family from what was to come, hearing the news to surgeries and any other bad news that "I" didn't think they could handle. The Lord had other plans. His plan was to be very honest with everyone so that they could grow with Him and with me through this entire Journey. I was at a point in my life when I had zero compassion for anyone. Yes I was a christian and yes I walked as if I did but in my heart the compassion for people was gone. The Lord has completely changed that and my heart overflows with compassion towards people. Thank you Lord Jesus for who you have made me through this. Thank you for preparing me in so many ways ahead of time for what was to come when I didn't even know it. Thank you for all of the people you brought to me when I desperately needed them. Thank you that you chose ME to do this. I wouldn't change it for the world and would go through it again for you and what you have taught me.
As I sit 3 days before Christmas I am humbled in so many ways. I am grateful in so many ways. I know that in the next 5 days I am not going to be feeling so well. BUT I am going to celebrate my Jesus birth like I have never celebrated Him in years past. I want to challenge all of you to do the same. Maybe you have gone through hard times like me and needed to be changed from the inside out and maybe you haven't. This is a time to rejoice that a Savior was born to save us from our sins and be the hope that one day we won't have to endure things like sickness, death and sadness. We will be with Him in heaven for eternity where there is NO sickness, No death and no sadness. All things happen for a reason friends and it is Him that will get us through.
As I could go on and on and on I better close for now. I'm sure I will have some after affects of chemo and hair growing back stories for you but for now I will close with this.
I wish you all A very Merry Christmas and hold your families very close to you!
I love you all
Heather

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
This is a scripture that has been ever so present in my Journey with the Lord and breast cancer. Its starts out with the beginning of the process " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." Then it moves into what he will do with my journey (and yours) "plans to PROSPER you". Then it moves on to my favorite and end of my journey but yet the beginning "plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.
I am about to have my very last cycle of chemotherapy in 4 days. Can I get an AMEN, Hallelujah and Praise the Lord? As I feel like I should sit here and say " this lasted forever", all I can say is WOW I am almost done and where did the time go? There is so much that is overflowing in my heart that I want to say but I feel so overloaded I don't know where to start. First I want to thank everyone for all they have done for me. Praying, bringing meals, sending cards, telling me encouraging stories and so much more. Each and every one of them have come at a perfect time.

This has definitely been a whirl wind of an experience that I have had the privilege of going through for the Lord. There have been highs and lows through it all, but nearing the end I am proud to say I still feel honored that the Lord chose me. That he trusted me with this huge plan of His and trusted that I would hold steadfast to what He was calling me to do and still is. I know that the Lords plan for my future is just as important as it has been through the process if not more important.

The Lord has changed me so much through this journey and still is. That I am so grateful. He has given me eyes to see the people around me instead of just hurrying by. He has given me the compassion to stop and help people in time of need even if it by prayer or by presence. He has given me the ears to listen to people instead of thinking what will I do next and missing what they are saying. He has made me realize that loving and helping people is what it is all about. He has made me appreciate my family and friends MORE than I ever have before. He has made me realize that life is more than just appearance and "who" you are on the outside. Who you are are the inside is what reflects out on the outside no matter what you look like. He made me realize that ALL of the days and minutes I have gone through this journey mattered. All of the crazy things I had to do to help others get through this process and me as well. He taught me how to take my kiddos through this process being 100 percent honest with them and not leave a detail out! He put wonderful people before me at the hospitals, doctors offices, grocery stores, dentist office, school, salon, Starbucks and many other places. He gave me great scarves and hats so that I could get through each day feeling a bit normal ( haha I had to throw that in, but its true). Because I am going through this people have been able to feel comfortable around me to share things they never would have so that I can be praying for them. He has put complete strangers before me and instructed me to pray, as I have and I have watched Him go before me and prepare a place for them. He, Jesus is amazing. The list goes on and on and on.
As I anticipate this 4th treatment I am excited to go. I'm not excited for the side effects but I am excited to go. I think for me, each and every treatment has been so extremely different and has meant something different each time. As I have been anxious, nervous, sad, happy and everything else in the book, I can look at each one with thanksgiving and a grateful heart. There is definitely something very different with this one though than the last 3. A little bittersweet feeling has started to come over me. I have had the privilege of visiting a hospital with wonderful doctors and nurses and not seeing them on a regular basis will be a bit sad. But most of all, seeing the people sitting in those chairs all around me going through the same thing, being able to pray for them and see them week to week is coming to an end. Now I can still pray for them and I will, but there is something about seeing them face to face and talking with them that I will miss.
My last treatment is December 22. At first I was really nervous as the 3rd day after I am at my worst. I try to look at it through the Lords eyes (as best as I can understand). Christmas day is a day to be with family and to reflect on the birth of Jesus. This day was meant to REST in Him who brought His Son to earth for us. It is a time of remembering that and a time of teaching our children that resting in Him is good. So as I approach this Christmas it will be one I will never forget nor will I want to. It will be a great teaching opportunity for my girls to be patient and snuggle and rest with their mommy as I endure one last treatment. Praise Jesus.
I hope that this letter, email, blog, facebook finds you at a time where you can stop and do the same thing. I surely have a new appreciation for my FAMILY, TIME and most of all JESUS. Know matter what the circumstance this letter finds you in, one is not greater than the other they are all trials. What does make it different is how you handle it. I pray each and every one that is reading this will STOP and enjoy the moments you have here on this earth they are only a blink of an eye compared to an eternity in heaven.
Blessings to you all and have a Merry Christmas
Love
Heather

What Now

As I sit and reflect back to the last 4 months I am in awe of what the Lord has done. There are stories upon stories I will be able to tell my children, their children and on and on. As the positive things have occurred and I am so grateful for them, there has been a part of this journey that has been difficult. Not the faith part I feel I have that one down as good as I can on this earth. Not the trusting part I feel I can do that semi good. But the Whats next Lord. Where are we now? What could possibly happen now that everything has occurred. I mean I found out I have cancer, I await results of what type of surgery, I go into surgery have a bilateral mastectomy, have chemotherapy and lose my hair. Now what?
I think this part falls into patience and all that know me well know I am not very good at this. Everything that has occurred has occurred quickly. Now the waiting begins..... Wait for my last chemo, wait for my hair to come back, wait for a normal life again. Whats that? Whats a normal life? As I write this I am about to go through my 3rd cycle of chemotherapy treatment. I only have 2 left. But I find myself dragging my heels as it approaches. Now knowing what I and my family endures through each treatment makes me cringe. Knowing that I will be aching so bad I am moaning makes me crazy. Knowing that my kids see me cry when I hurt makes me sad. Watching my husband bounce from work to home trying to do his best with the personality he has been given makes me nervous. There is part of me that KNOWS for sure my Lord is in control of all of this but there is a small part of me that says when is enough enough? These are the normal thoughts of a person living in a world of sin and being human and having a battle going on in my head most of the time. A battle of fighting for the Lord. At times I become tired and at times I have strength only the Lord can give.
This time of year is amazing in a normal life for me. It is my favorite time of year because it is all about Jesus Christ, love and family and friends. It is about giving of yourself in ways you would never do on a regular basis (even though I should). It is a time when I can use my gifts and talents for the Lord. But something is different about this year. The gratefulness I have in my heart is overflowing. The love I feel for those around me is unspeakable. My heart aches for my family with love I can barely stand it. This year is different. It is not "normal" but yet my new "normal". Let me set up a picture for you to imagine. My life before all of this was great. I love the Lord, I have a husband who loves me in ways you could never imagine. I have been entrusted to raise 3 beautiful girls and I love them dearly. I have 2 sets of parents that love me and my family unconditionally. I live in an amazing house that I was able to design and make our own. Now imagine my life through the NOT so normal period of time. I love the Lord in ways I never thought I could, I know Him more intimately than I ever had before, I have to and want to rely on Him at all times because He is my life, I have a husband that has stood by me and loved me through the most changes a women could ever go through or endure on her body and yet he still is attracted towards me and loves me, I have children who I love so much and treasure each minute with them and hang on their every word, I have children who are much more compassionate for me and for people than they ever were before, I have 2 sets of parents who I love so much and am so grateful for them and they are so supportive of me it is unbelievable, I have supportive friends who help me and care for me as if I am their own family. I have new friends that I would have never known. I am living in a home that has become my safe haven with my family even when I am not feeling so safe. My life has changed dramatically!
I am so grateful for the changes because who I was before all of this and who I am now may seem to be the same minus the hair. But who I am inside and who the Lord is transforming me to be is totally different and I keep hearing Him whisper to me. "Just stay the course, just be patient with me, I am not done with you yet".
As we enter this time of year and I know there are different trials out there that so many are going through. We are all facing the same thing and that is the inside change the Lord is trying to make in all of this. So stay with me on it and stay the course, be patient, He is not done with us yet!
I love you all. Please be praying as I enter my 3rd cycle on Tuesday. Pray that my fatigue body gets strength to endure this cold and flu season. Pray that this treatment would be a piece of cake!
I hope everyone had as blessed Thanksgiving as I did and really reflected on how thankful we all are for what and who we have in our lives
Love
Heather

How I Became Bald

I always have to start my writing by thanking everyone who has been praying for my family and I. The Lord definitely knows when to bring people in front of me even if it is just an encouraging word or letting me know they are praying.
Well as my Journey with the Lord continues my story seems to grow. Grow in length but also and most important grow in the Lord. I know in my mind that you can never "know" the Lord completely until we get to heaven but in my heart I felt like I knew Him really well. I am beginning to realize that I get to know Him better and better and a lot more intimately each and every day. I am loving how my communication with Him is a minute by minute conversation with every step I take on this Journey with Him. He gives me strength when I need it, Grace when I don't deserve it and Peace when I don't feel it. Thank you Lord Jesus!

3 weeks ago I was at UCSF receiving my first chemo treatment. They had told me between 10 and 14 days I would see thinning in my hair and about 2 1/2 weeks I would lose all of my hair. Monday of last week while all of my girls were at school my hair began thinning, and I mean thinning so bad within a couple of hours I had lost the whole bottom of my hairline. Probably the weirdest thing I have ever experienced in my life. With every tug I realized that it was happening. Everything I was afraid of was coming to real life. But it felt so surreal. I was hanging out with my sweet friend Gretchen and I would look at her and she would be starring at my head. I finally said "What are you looking at" she replied to me "your hairline is gone and it looks like your pony is about to just pull out". Now in my mind I was thinking "oh no we leave on our family vacation in 2 days couldn't the Lord wait until we got home to let this happen". I knew that if I didn't shave it our vacation would be an emotional disaster, not only for me but for my kiddos as well. I picked the girls up that afternoon and told them that mommies hair was coming out in clumps and it was time for a "FUN" shaving party. They were so excited they could hardly wait until they got home. I set up shop for the 3 little hairstylist and me as the client. They started with the scissors. Pretending they were in a salon and styling my hair all kinds of ways. I told them we needed to shave my hair into a Mohawk because I have always wondered what I looked like with one that was real! So Jeff picked up the clippers and started to shave. When he was done shaving I let the girls style it and stick it up straight. They could hardly do it because with every swipe through my hair clumps were falling out. We pretended we were rock stars and took lots of pictures of every style they did. If I could have I would have kept the Mohawk I loved it!!!!! After all the fun we proceeded to shave the rest. Reality set in. My hair was just about to be completely gone. I sat in the chair as tears fell down my face. I looked over at London thinking she would be the last one I needed to worry about! But in her little mind you could tell she was scared. Not scared OF her mommy but scared FOR her mommy. Then I looked at Halle my 7 year old and she was weeping. I looked at Madison and she just held it together pretty well I think trying to let me know she was OK. After Jeff was done shaving my head I went and looked in the mirror. WOW who is this? We all look so different with and without hair. There was a part of me that liked it, it was different. But there was a part of me that looked sick. In my mind and my heart though I am not sick so why do I have to look like this and feel like this? That night was a great night, the Lord had given me the strength to do what we did and to be OK with it all. Then the next day came.......
I woke up and walked past the mirror startled a bit at what I saw. But trying to justify the feelings in my mind I went on like no big deal and got the kids ready for school. I walked them out to Gretchen's car and said my goodbyes. I joked with her kiddos that I was the only bald women they know and let them feel my head. They all giggled and off they went to school. I walked into the house and all I could do was cry. It was weird. It was the beginning of something I dreaded to walk through. My girlfriend Kristin had called the day before and asked if we could hang out that day for a bit, so it was time I got ready. Now it only takes me 10 minutes to get ready now BUT what was I going to choose to wear on my head? How will I tie it? Will I make it work? Will people stare? Will it create good conversation or will people dodge me? All of the things going through my head. As I tried on all of my scarves they were all a bit warm and heavy so I pulled Kristin along with me to the mall to look for some old school bandannas for our trip the next day. I found myself crying the whole day off and on. We were even in a store and I whipped my scarf off to try another on and looked at myself in the mirror and both Kristin and I broke down. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE!!! We started laughing, pulled ourselves together and off to the next store we went. Later that afternoon I had to go to school for Halle's birthday in her class. The first appearance at school since I shaved my head.I was going to a place where I should be the most comfortable but I couldn't even hold it together for a split second. I walked into her classroom and even Halle hadn't seen me with a scarf on yet. Halle's teacher Mrs. Boren had had a talk with the kids before I came in so they would know what to expect. They all looked at me and went on with their business no questions asked. After the party I walked out to get the other girls thinking in my mind I don't want to run into anyone lets just get them and go. As I walked out I ran into my girlfriend Erin and All I could do was tell her this stinks and cry! Then Gretchen comes up and all I could do was tell her this stinks and cry! Then Mrs Skiles comes up and gives me a hug and all I can do is cry. I'm thinking to myself HEATHER PULL IT TOGETHER!!!! I told the girls I know I need to break down but why on a day when I am busy and have to be around everyone?
That night we packed out bags and off to Disneyland we went. I was thinking thank you Lord I get to get away with my family to a place of fun and not worry about a thing. We had a great time together laughing and just enjoying life.
As I sit and look back on this last week I am so thankful. The Lord works in ways that boggle my mind. He does things in such a complicated way but yet so simple. I mean he knew when my hair would fall out even though we had a vacation. He knew I would break down the second day even if it was in front of many people. The Lord has helped me in our minute by minute conversations as to why He does things the way He does. I really feel like my hair came out before we left so that I wasn't anxious day to day as to when it would happen. I also feel like it gave me time to be bald, where bandannas in public, experience the looks and whispers I will get when I walk into a room. All of these things are preparing me for the next day the next phase. All of these things are happening to me for a reason and I choose to live each day the way the Lord wants me too, even if it is uncomfortable at first. If I wasn't going on this Journey I would have never experienced a bald head (its very round and good shaped thank God), my girls would have NEVER been able to cut there moms hair, I would have never been transparent with all of those people, I would have never been able to bond with my girls and my sweet hub during the shaving process, I would have never experienced shopping with Kristin the way I did, I would have never been able to have conversations with people that I have had about life experiences and the Lord, I would have never been able to see such compassionate people step up and help, I would have never known how much people cared about me the way they have. I could go on and on about the I nevers. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that the Lord has made each and every day an experience I will never forget.
Thank you for being a part of my Journey with me. My prayer is that people would see the work the Lord is doing in me and want to have that relationship with Him as well. It makes going through something hard very easy.
Please be praying for me on Tuesday as I will go to the 2ND treatment. Pray that lives were touched by Jeff's letter. Pray that the people sitting next to us going through treatment will somehow see the Lord in us.
Love to you all
Heather